One True Love

"This time I don't want you back in my life..."

"Please do me this favour..."

At the outset it sounded like a really harsh statement. And it cut through her like a knife. 

Tears rolled down as she stared at the now blurred face. 

She looked away before it was too hard. And ended it.

Later, after more than four days of going back and forth between anger, self pity, guilt, grief, fear and panic, she finally woke up on the fifth day with something new.

Relief, that came with understanding.

True love is rare and not for the weak. 

That was clear. But more than that she realized that love doesn't make you weak either. 

Love makes you stronger when you see how much you have gained.

She felt herself walk with her head held high when she remembered that he loved her. It didn't matter if they never spoke again. The fact was that there was another soul on earth who cared just as much as you....

That realization itself gives you more strength than you can imagine. 

Especially when it's selfless with no expectations. 

He taught her to love herself again.

He gave her the confidence that she had lost.

He filled a void that had almost consumed her.

He walked in at a time when she had almost lost herself.

He helped her find herself again.

And she knew the effect was reciprocated. 

He felt alive due to her. Something that he hadn't felt in years. In fact he admitted a part of him almost died before she entered.

So this mutual emotion led them each to become the individuals they were meant to be, which in itself was the complete form of love.

Something seen very rarely today.

A purpose for their union, however temporary.

So did she regret that they weren't together? Weren't a normal couple. Yes.

But she would never regret what happened. 

She was eternally grateful that today she had complete clarity on who she was...

So she owed him the favour ....

She would give him the favour he asked...

She would never go back to him.

But he was forever a part of her heart. Her mind. Her soul. 

No one could take that strength away, ever. 

And that's when she realized what true love was.

All the phrases and statements that people said made sense...

Sometimes true love means to walk away..

True love isn't about possession and control.

And true love ALWAYS makes you stronger. Makes you better.

It's chaotic sometimes, uncertain. 

But once the dust settles if you find yourself to be a better, stronger person....individually or together.. 

It's true love. 

Think about that....

Finding what's Lost

Hi guys.. Its been a while since I wrote as 'I'. Somehow I guess I preferred the idea of a story reflecting my life rather me talking right out of it! And right now I think I really need to be talking.. Well so you see I am in that phase of my life where things are kind of in a rut. Stagnant. Or rather Lost. Actually yeah, I think lost describes in best.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not painstakingly busy that I do not even have a moment to figure it out. No. That isn’t the case. (Though I do claim to be busy when I'm avoiding some nut or the other. But anyway...)
The fact is I actually like being busy. Like, damn busy. But damn busy doing 10 different things. Not busy doing the same thing at the same place. Now that's booring. Same place, same people, looking at their damn expressions all day long. Not really very entertaining. And to add to the boredom I have a love life that is in shambles. (Immediate reaction of reader- Oh, so? Or 'join the club' or maybe a 'Duh what do you expect?'.. Sigh..)
Interesting how they call it love 'life' isn’t it? Like other than your real life, you have these segments of Love live, Work life, Family life then the Social life, which is essentially what you do with the other parts of your life just after hours and on weekends. So considering the time allotted Social life definitely is very important indeed. And mine is a good zero when it comes to that. Except for the stress busting night walks with Fatass and Scrawny or the very occasional dinner with Sunshine. And in all honesty that's quite satisfying enough.
So anyway coming back to the Lost.
There comes a time in everyone's life where you suddenly feel like, umm one second, wait, (though neither does time wait nor does life) am I sure I want to do this?
And then the brain bursts into a thousand angry retorts. “Ofcourse you did! What's the matter with you?” blah blah. You end up being more confused and you're still jogging keeping up coz like I said neither does time wait nor does life. Kind of difficult keeping up sometimes.

So the key lies in doing more than one thing. That doesn't sound too right does it? Hear me out..

Being committed to more than just one core thing. You know like they say in very simple terms, go and get a hobby. Something that acts like a stress buster, but not the dumbing down stress busters like that goddamn idiot box or your annoying friends or even sleep. Something more creative and stimulating like even reading a book. And you have got to give it just the same amount of dedication as anything else.
It really gets the mind's juices flowing. And you begin to relax. Coz you are no longer looking at anything uni-dimensionally. There is something else that is important too.
It makes the world of a difference. Sometimes just getting into touch with a lost hobby, or doing a class to learn a new skill. It really gets you refreshed. And I found my refreshment right on my shelf. I actually went looking for it.
My collection of short stories, poems, essays, shayaris, things that I had been writing since I was 8. I found it all. Stacked neatly and not consciously forgotten. But not a priority. So now when I read them I laugh and rework them (they need to be polished after all these years). Each describing that phase of my life, my imagination, my creativity. I am lost in a different world altogether. I forget all the current problems and sit late working on them.
Suddenly time doesn't matter because I'm doing something that interests me, engrosses me. And you will be surprised how that stimulates you to work better even at work.
Unlike what a lot of people may say, even if your passion isn’t your mainstream of work do find a way to push it into your life. Coz when its there it centres all those other 'parts' and gives you, You. Our passions define who we are. What is the reality in us. Because that is the one thing that we actually 'want' to do, not 'have' to do. Something we do not mind sitting up for or running home for.
And that 'thing' is what keeps us going. Find it and you'll be surprised how much time you have in hand to devote and how much you actually enjoy it!
Something that was lost in me was found again. And I couldn't be more grateful... The answer was always right on my shelf!!

"No,we are going to live bachcha"

He looked at the other with fear in his eyes. Stared at what he was asking him to do. His hand hesitated and his expression showed the struggle between doing what he had been told not to do and what he was being offered now...

She watched from afar. Her breath held. She couldn't interfere, it was his choice. That was how they all chose. But for this one she prayed...

He looked into the hard eyes of his persuader. Hardly any older than him and yet so calm, composed, cold. Fear of this person mixed with fear of what he was being tempted to do, he finally give in. He took the lit cigarette butt into his tiny 7 year old fingers and took the first drag that would change him forever. From the innocent little kid he was now transformed as part of the 'gang'. It wasn't so much as the act of smoking the cigarette itself as it was what the act represented. The false sense of freedom and dominance. The sense of false security and pride. All instilled into another little soul.

A single tear streamed down her cheek as she watched. That’s all she had left anyway. Her last son too. She knew she couldn't be too surprised after all their father and brothers had all taken to the same road. The road of Death, she thought with hatred. Not physical death but death of everything else. Death of your conscience, death of all relations, death of purity.

She unknowingly banged the pot she was cleaning. "What happened ma?" She looked into the eyes of her little daughter. Barely 6 years old and yet helping her wash the vessels with her soft tiny hands. Years of pent up grief came streaming down. The daughter society had made her neglect and suffer was the only one who sat by her now and asked her when something was wrong.

What did that husband give her? These idiotic boys? Her parents even? But this angel was hers. She grabbed her baby and hugged her so tight she might have crushed her. She was still pure, she was still her own. She would take her away from this hell even if it was the last thing she did. She had no reason to stay now. Her last son was sucked in, all she had left was this little girl.

She got up, picked her daughter up. Took her one small bag of belongings and left. No one cared. No one asked. That's the advantage of too many people.

"Are we going to the market ma?" her little one asked.

"No,we are going to live bachcha, I am tired of just surviving."

And that was the one lesson that that little girl remembered all her life. Her mothers strength to walk away. Something most do not have. Strength to fight for one's right to happiness and peace. The strength to Live. The little girl didn't forget. And she never would...

Comfortably Numb

She tiptoed into the room. It was the crack of dawn and since it was a cloudy day the wee hours were even more sober than usual. Somewhat reflecting her mood as it had been these last few days. After a couple of consecutive disturbed nights last night had been a relatively peaceful one. Probably even her sub-conscious was too exhausted now.
She tried to look for her clothes in the semi darkness. She didn't want to wake them up. She picked up what she was looking for and began tiptoeing out of the room when her eyes fell on them. They were fast asleep. All three of them. She just stood there for a minute and watched them breathe. It gave her so much of relief from a volume of pain to just look at them. Her entire world on that one bed. She smiled slightly to herself and stepped out of the room carefully shutting the door behind her.
So many days she had left at this time, so many times she had tiptoed in and out of that room, it couldn't have been a coincidence that today of all the days she was halted by the image of them fast asleep. The moment was in sync with her state of mind. Calm. Quiet.
You need to accept the present they say. (whoever that 'they' is). But she knew out of pure experience, that it isn’t acceptance that ends the internal struggle, it is either exhaustion or numbness that ends or rather silences a conflict. Either because you simply cannot think any more or because you can't feel any more.
And that was what had happened to her. As of that day when she woke up and stared at the murky morning she realized she didn't feel anything any more. She hadn't killed it. It just died on it's own. It wasn't that she didn't care, even to not care was an emotion, but here she had become numb. Indifferent, tired.
It had happened sooner this time. Maybe by reflex coz her sub-conscious expected the pain. But this time she doubted it would ever awaken again. How many times can you heal the same wound?
She stared into the mirror as she combed her hair and looked into her eyes. They had changed. Visibly so. They looked dead, scary in fact. But she didn't even feel the fear. She just stared into those eyes. “Serves you right” she said to the expressionless face. And she left her room, her home to begin the day. Hoping this new emptiness wouldn't adversely affect her life.
*
She managed to smile without effort when someone smiled at her, even managed to laugh when the situation called for it without feeling the pain that would usually come crashing back. She felt the relief spread over. She could act normally without much effort. And the core reason was because she felt nothing. It amazed her how normal her voice sounded, how soft without any strain. How normal her responses were. No one would have had a clue. She wasn't rude any longer to customers, nor impatient with colleagues. She was no longer flustered or worried at work.
But at the same time when a colleague was amused or annoyed her smile or frown was only a simple refection of his, without really experiencing any need to express.
Maybe she ought to be alarmed, but as of then she felt at peace. She preferred this to the strain, the worry, the fretting. This was much better. She didn't know what the consequences would be, but as expected in that state of mind she hardly wondered. Sure images of the last one month came to mind, especially the beginning. But she didn't react. Couldn’t react. She just watched them like a movie. Like a witness, an observer.
No song could reflect her mood, no movie could snap her out of it. The only thing she felt at all was when she sat for dinner among the same three whom she had watched sleep that morning, she felt safe. She knew they were her only sanctity. Even though she didn't tell them in so many words she was sure they knew.
She looked down into the warm brown eyes of her furry companion and patted him. She watched with a smile as he shut his eyes in content. It took so little to make him happy. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
She had been happy too. But now she wanted the peace instead. No more tornadoes, and storms. Just peace. Numbness. Silence. Safety.
She ate her dinner with new gusto. At least now nothing could hurt her. Or so she hoped....

Cry

She was riding her bike at a normal speed and was plugged in listening to a favourite song when suddenly out of nowhere the tears came streaming down. She didn't comprehend why at first but she did know they were due. She cried the whole way through. For some weird reason her vision didn't blur though she rode at the same pace, the songs still playing, the tears still flowing.

She could feel the tears flow down her cheeks which were hidden behind the soft cloth that covered her nose and mouth. She cried like every despair in the world had consumed her and yet she had no thought in her mind. It was blank, empty.

And then just as suddenly as they came streaming down, they stopped. She took a deep breath of the wind blowing against her face. A sense of deep calm took over. She took in her surrounding, one she hadn't been aware of till then. The bike had ridden on it's own taking her where it knew she wanted to go.

She began to wonder why the tears came but she already knew. She had bottled up for days now and she knew that had it continued she would perhaps have lost her mind to it. It wasn't easy pretending to be strong when all hope had been crushed and all plans had been washed. Wasn't easy to act normal when the core of her strength had let her down.

She had put away the thoughts assuming it was selfish and weak and yet now she knew she had to accept it. Weak or not it wasn't her fault and yet there she was suffering someone else's doing.

But now with the sudden calm and clear mind she touched the faith inside her that reminded her that whatever happened was for the good. She still had much to learn and now the time had presented itself. Just for her. She wouldn't whine in it, she would use it constructively and wait for the time that it was meant to happen. The right time..

She trusted her destiny with her heart and soul. It had never let her down. And it never would, she thought as she wiped away the reminiscence of tears on her face, parked her bike and climbed the stairs to her one and only solace...

No expectation.. No failure...

I didn't know what those bright little eyes said when they twinkled but I did understand when he said, “No! You're doing it wrong. Wait I'll show you. Give it to me.”

Now, I have been told I am wrong by so many I might not have let this one go, but the innocence in the eyes and tone, the lack of ego to correct me or pride to show he's right, melted my heart. All he wanted to really show me was how to do it right. Coz I was doing it wrong. Simple.

Where do you find that these days? Right where I found it, in a little kid.

He's about 4, not even in school yet. But really bright and oh so hyper active it drains a full grown adult! Presently he was teaching me how to make a broom from long strands of grass and a long bamboo stick. In all honesty I wasn't sure he got it right either, but never being quite the craftsman myself I thought, what the heck?

“So tell me what should I do?” I asked him.

“Wait” he said with a touch of impatience at my incompetency and his unsuccessful attempts to push grass strands into the bamboo stick.

The stick wasn't entirely hollow and the hole didn't go too deep. I knew the grass strands wouldn’t go too far in, but who was I to tell? The fervent kid who wouldn't take no for an answer? Nope. I wasn't ready to spoil his excitement and hope, to make this piece of art work. Besides who was I to say it wouldn't work?

And time proved that keeping my negative conclusion to myself was the best idea...

45 minutes I watched the kid. Helping him like an assistant would, in getting grass strands, sharp stones, another long bamboo if I could find one and the little thing kept at it.

The strong cold, evening winds of the Mussouri hills blew at my face and his. It managed to get into my clothes and freeze me, but not the kid. He seemed unaware. His jacket wasn't even buttoned up. He was too busy.

Abhi had a long name but responded to this nickname. He was the son of the local school teacher. I watched him push the grass strands in further and further with all the strength he had, and the help of some stones. And voila, by the end we did have a home made or rather grass made broom. And quite a pretty one at that. Made by a 4 year old.

I wondered what made me give up so soon? Was it because I was older, supposedly mature, more knowledgeable or was it simply because as we grow up we become more sceptic? Nothing is ever worth our 'waste of time'?

But what about Abhi? Was it pure innocence that kept him going? Coz he knew no failure?

Abhi and I took the newly made broom up to his home, somehow he did know he had to be careful with it. He showed it excitedly to his mother who smiled, an aunt who grunted and a father who told him to wash his dirty hands. But none reduced his gusto. He broomed around his mother's feet, his aunt's and his father's and in the end they all smiled. He won them over.

But within minutes of using this tricky broom the grass strands came off and what was remaining was just the stick. But Abhi laughed. He ran to me and said, “Didi you keep the stick we will make the broom again tomorrow. Now let's go and have some tea..”

I took the stick. He had forgotten about it before night fall that very day. He got occupied with something else. But I didn't.

I grinned down at the little kid who held my hand and tugged me towards the mess for tea. His soft, little hand showing me the way.

What kept him going and what stops us? Why does he remain happy, while we whine all the time?

I thought to myself that if you really want to learn, even a 4 year old can teach you the very essence of life.

No expectation, no failure, Just enthusiasm... unconditional enthusiasm to life, every part of Life...

2012: Every Beginning has an End

I was watching the movie 2012 the other day and I couldn't help but be a little bemused. While on the one hand I was on the edge of my seat watching the disasters that are more than likely to be the fate of our earth, on the other hand I couldn't help but snort at the very 'invincible' fate of the hero, John Cusack, in the movie. I mean we all know the hero and the heroine simply have to survive till the very end for lord knows what reason, but do you really have to stick to the same routine even when displaying such a serious, rational, futuristic movie? It is a complete spoiler to the plot, not to mention dryly predictable.
The hero falls in and climbs out of a lava spitting pit, runs faster than the cracking earth, can hold breath under water for apparently longer than 5 minutes, jumps through a fast closing huge steel trap door, all in a span of a few of hours and of course comes out spot free.
If you want to keep him alive at least let him lose a leg for goodness sake! Let it seem realistic to the extent that we can perceive that all in all in such situations our presence of mind and luck both count just as much.
The reason movie plots have these very foreseeable characters and story line is simple. The audience needs to have at least one character that they can relate to, one who survives right till the end (even as the rest of the cast keeps reducing) one that gives hope to all those watching that 'I can be the hero too', and 'I too shall survive'. And the character not only needs to survive but also needs to survive happily, with family and kids and romance.
Ahh the romance, the one need that is somehow the first and foremost to be fulfilled. Therefore the equation of the hero and heroine.
Now while such kind of a psychological draw to the audience is understandably needed for a film maker, why would you want to mix it in a factual\scientific based movie? Where there is apparent description of reality? Keep it realistic then, harshly realistic. When you show that more than half the world is demolishing, how can you show a hero who somehow manages to survive all odds? Why give false hope or some ridiculous connecting point to people, when the actual purpose of the movie was to show them the truth that each of us probably do not want to accept.. The truth that we are destroying the earth bit by bit and it is going to come and bite us in our behinds sooner or later..
In reality today, repercussions seem to have already begun with the tsunami and earthquakes of Japan, the death of thousands. The aftershocks expected to keep coming for years to come. The added crisis of radiation leaks. The prediction of quakes in Nepal and other nations. Island nations expected to drown and disappear in one decade tops.
So, do we really have hope? I honestly think not, because we aren't the exceptions, we are all part of the majority. A majority, if not the entirety, that will be destroyed, if and when the earth comes to an end.
Accept that fact and live today for there seriously just may not be a tomorrow. The end is not what must be feared or run from, the end is what follows any beginning.
So let's respect life first because it's right here in our hands, and we shall face the end when it comes.

Until then do not waste a single moment in regret...

Rise from the Ashes

Ever since I was born here,
And I watched others around me,
I swore never to make the same mistakes as them.
I made sure I was clean, or at least tried hard to be.
But alas the bug that flew around, found a weak moment in me!


It bit me worst, worse than ever before,
I came crashing down hard, on the cold floor below,
All expectations shattered and pride wounded so bad,
I bled till I thought I had no more to flow.


But life ain’t so easy, it doesn't leave you to die,
It keeps you alive, to watch and survive,
And believe me it kills as people watch you from above,
And mock and judge as you stay fallen below.


Nothing you pray can make time go back,
To change that one step, or wrong turn on the right track,
It was done, your true place was shown to you.
And all you can do now is learn what it really is about you,
That made you fall so horribly, flat on your back!


A man who is fallen may be ridiculed and judged,
He will be taught of his place for a while,
But a true man is one who can push himself up,
Can show the world he flawed but has now risen up.


A man who never falls, is remembered as never wronged,
But a man who has tasted a fall and managed to move on,
Is one who can truly say he will never wrong,
For once out of hell no one wants to goes there again,
'Coz it is only then that we truly value our Heaven.


I am struggling to get up, to heal my wounds,
To rise up in my own fallen eyes.
To once again regain all the respect that is lost,
And soar higher than I did ever before.


Nothing lost can’t be regained except time that has passed,
Every test once failed can be again passed,
It is easy to fall, but the struggle begins now,
To first forgive myself and then prove to those around...
One fall is alright at least now you know,
Never to be Weak, for the life that we own,
Just cannot be experienced if you stay fallen below!