A simple Thought

People. What do you expect from them? Or do you at all?

Sometimes they are sweet, very sweet, and then sometimes meaninglessly mean. Too much of a fluctuation and I am, more often than not, left clueless as to how to react.

Unexpected niceness is always a pleasantry but unexpected, out of place cruelty is scarring and disturbing.

Fatass once, perhaps rightly, said that what's real in every human being is their darkness. The real characteristics of every person is seen only by the flaws in them. At the time I felt that that is an extremely pessimistic attitude to look at people.

Though I pretty much dislike maximum people I see (literally see!), I do not attribute that dislike to them but to me. I am simply not a people's person, and for good measure honestly. Yet with a such a hard screening process and scrutinising I wonder why or rather how some jerk manages to make his way through!

Which brings me back to what Fatass said, every human can only be defined by his flaws. Because then you know for sure what cannot be expected from him. Or rather what quality he simply does not possess.

Maybe I am just foolish enough to believe that the true colours of people are actually good. Being more of an optimist (really kills at times) than a pessimist, I found it hard to believe that people can be defined like that. I mean people are complex but not constant, they can change can't they? Isn't that the single defence we all use to define each other? We say 'I am sure it's just a one time thing', or maybe 'it was just a momentary madness' (like suicide) or 'they can change'..!

But you know what the hard core disturbing truth is? They don't.

Never intend to and so never will.

Tell me honestly have you really seen anyone who has changed around you? I am talking constant, big time, not small habits.

Have you actually truly ever seen someone with a roaring temper become super calm? (Don't confuse pre and post adolescence!) Or a full blown pessimist hoping for pleasant weather! Or a bitter sadist actually happy at someone else's achievement? I haven't. But I expect it. Because it is disturbing to accept that what is consistent in people is only what is wrong with them.

Being nice to others happens only when we are at peace with ourselves. It is a conscious effort, one that comes when we are calm, fine, happy. But when we are disturbed, irritated or even bored do we really smile at the idiot who we barely know? Have the patience to listen to a fool jabber? Or even be grateful for the people who support us in our lives? No way. Our real characteristic of being rude, critical, sceptic and annoying makes it's way through. The real deal.

Now isn't that scary? Scary that our niceness is never consistent but our darkness is? Scary that someone who smiles at you today may not tomorrow but the guy who taunts you today will for sure snicker at you tomorrow? That the pleasure he gets from the smile hardly matches the lack of effort and pleasure from the taunt?

Makes me shudder. Probably the reason why I cannot give up on people. Albeit a small number of them but I can't give up on those ones in my small world. The ones I love and the ones I believe I can crack. The reason? Even if our darkness is the only consistency (so to speak) it is there for a reason. Every bitter, pessimistic and sadist person can change if he undoes the reason why he is so.
If he tastes a breath of fresh air, if he touches a mark of purity, if he sees the sunlight from his dark interiors he will for sure be drawn to it.

Only they enjoy the darkness, who have something to hide.
So those who I wont give up on, if you are worth it, even with all the crap that comes my way, and all the fluctuation, the hurt, the unexpected (or rather now expected) sourness, my faith remains.
There is a reason why I still hope. True if you go too far I may lose it (your fate) but that's the risk I am willing to take. Because I cannot live in a world where Fatass is right!

Only Once...

Sitting here and sipping my tea,

I wonder why all that's wrong happens so often,

While what's right is a rarity,

Sometimes even almost forgotten!

Why we trip so much before we can stand,

Why it's all gibberish before we can actually say,

Why things don't follow just when we plan,

Why we get lost twice before we find our way....

Why so many heartbreaks before, the Real deal

Comes prancing on his way??

It's simple actually,

When you really think about it... because,

A child that can stand never crawls again,

A kid that can talk doesn't simply mumble any more,

Planning when things are perfect would be in vain,

Once you reach your destination there's no where else to go!

And,

A heart that hasn't broken is a heart that hasn't tried at all!

Do you get it now?

All that is right is a rarity for sure,

And what is wrong happens all the more,

For the simply reason that is

What is right happens only once!

You learn to crawl, walk and run once,

You learn to talk, speak, scream once

You reach your destination only once
And true love with your soul mate is but also only once!


There may be a thousand different wrongs that we fight,
But that is because there is after all only One right!

The Silence

The Con man II

She stood there on the outskirts staring far into the distance. The silence was absolute. She couldn't hear a thing. If it wasn't for the occasional car passing by she would have assumed that she had gone deaf. She looked beyond, at the mountain ranges and was lost in thought. It was ironic that all her life she had sought after this silence; this very silence to think, to listen to her thoughts, to meditate, to connect with herself but instead today even with the peace around her, inside she was as chaotic as a haphazardly driven on, hooting, honking, highway on a Monday morning...

She sighed and tried to be one with the silence but the more she tried the more she failed. In fact now she even could hear the clock ticking from inside the house. It was weirdly loud, an ominous sound telling her that time was ticking.

She knew she had to go back. She was well aware that she needed to face him at least one last time. He had to see what she had become, what in a sense, she had become because of him. Because of his betrayal. She felt heat rush to her cheeks and tears threatened flow. She shook her head and her face hardened with a strong determination. A breeze blew at that precise moment cooling her sudden rush of heat. She took a deep breath.

She knew what she had to do. She knew what would hurt him the most. She knew that by changing the one thing that had drawn him to her, she could kill him (so to speak). He could be the best but he couldn't fool her. She knew what was real. And it hurt her that even after all that he chose to go ahead with the plan. Chose to trap her anyway. Like there was any real need to go through with it, she was already trapped. She laughed a humourless laugh.

If he had just told her she would have agreed, played along even. Taken the money and then they could have run away... She stopped. How many times had she dwelt on the same thing again and again and again? She didn't doubt what he felt, she doubted his strength to face life. He was a coward! Either way she had learnt her lesson. She heard the ticking (was it getting louder?), it was payback time....

*
She laughed at something she wasn't even sure she had heard. Their eyes met, she felt it.. Damn! Her eyes challanged him but her heart ached. She looked away. No! Not now. She couldn't go weak. She could cry later. Now she had to be strong. Even if she hadn’t become a stone yet she could act for sure, and hell she would! They were all there, right there. The ones who had betrayed her and probably even assumed that her absence meant she was dead. They stood as if they had no care in the world, just as she did. Did they have no conscience? Did she? Was there any difference between them?
It dawned on her that she had become all that she had hated. In the rage to get back she found herself suddenly in the very shoes that she had repulsed. The realization made her nauseous.
She wondered what she was saying to them. She had no idea. The artificiality and hypocrisy of it all made her sick. Was it really worth all this? Was she proving a point to them, to him or to herself?
She saw in his eyes that she had made her point. She had won.
Staying any longer would only do her harm. She turned to leave but gave him a last look. Her heart ached and her eyes threatened to well up. The anger she felt for herself, the situation, him all showed in her eyes as she turned away. Damn him! He was like drug! She was again right where she had started!
She wished she could run but she knew they could still see her and they would be watching carefully. She couldn't drop the cold act so soon. As she walked away tears streamed down and blurred her vision.
*
She ran. She didn't care. She had a weird feeling since she had left.
She wanted him. It was too hard to pretend she didn't. If she was happy with the delirious drug so be it. If he wanted to betray her again she would bear it again, and again. She couldn't keep herself away. They were like magnets. She walked faster, jogged, tripped. Damn! Were her feet going slow?
Why was she in such a hurry though? He would be up anyway watching the news, with a cocktail, virgin for sure, he never drank! She laughed a weepy laugh and was surprised that she was crying! Oh how she had missed him! Her heart ached more now as she turned into his street, ran up the flight of stars and stood outside his flat. She took a deep breath and opened the door with her key. One that she had never bothered to return.She entered the house, and her mind started wondering how she would begin, from where, and how but before she could finish she saw that he had decided for them. He lay on the floor, the blood oozing out of his head like a thick red river.

The TV blaring in the background, the note in his hand, the noise of the cars outside, the screaming of a woman that sounded a lot like her, all barely registered as she knelt next to the man she was too late to save..

In between the chaos, probably like a highway on a Monday morning, she stared into the eyes that could no longer recognise her, and she found her silence, her peace. Inside, if it wasn't for her heartbeat, she would have thought she had gone deaf, or for whatever it was worth, thought she had gone Dead....