She tiptoed into the room. It was the crack of dawn and since it was a cloudy day the wee hours were even more sober than usual. Somewhat reflecting her mood as it had been these last few days. After a couple of consecutive disturbed nights last night had been a relatively peaceful one. Probably even her sub-conscious was too exhausted now.
She tried to look for her clothes in the semi darkness. She didn't want to wake them up. She picked up what she was looking for and began tiptoeing out of the room when her eyes fell on them. They were fast asleep. All three of them. She just stood there for a minute and watched them breathe. It gave her so much of relief from a volume of pain to just look at them. Her entire world on that one bed. She smiled slightly to herself and stepped out of the room carefully shutting the door behind her.
So many days she had left at this time, so many times she had tiptoed in and out of that room, it couldn't have been a coincidence that today of all the days she was halted by the image of them fast asleep. The moment was in sync with her state of mind. Calm. Quiet.
You need to accept the present they say. (whoever that 'they' is). But she knew out of pure experience, that it isn’t acceptance that ends the internal struggle, it is either exhaustion or numbness that ends or rather silences a conflict. Either because you simply cannot think any more or because you can't feel any more.
And that was what had happened to her. As of that day when she woke up and stared at the murky morning she realized she didn't feel anything any more. She hadn't killed it. It just died on it's own. It wasn't that she didn't care, even to not care was an emotion, but here she had become numb. Indifferent, tired.
It had happened sooner this time. Maybe by reflex coz her sub-conscious expected the pain. But this time she doubted it would ever awaken again. How many times can you heal the same wound?
She stared into the mirror as she combed her hair and looked into her eyes. They had changed. Visibly so. They looked dead, scary in fact. But she didn't even feel the fear. She just stared into those eyes. “Serves you right” she said to the expressionless face. And she left her room, her home to begin the day. Hoping this new emptiness wouldn't adversely affect her life.
*
She managed to smile without effort when someone smiled at her, even managed to laugh when the situation called for it without feeling the pain that would usually come crashing back. She felt the relief spread over. She could act normally without much effort. And the core reason was because she felt nothing. It amazed her how normal her voice sounded, how soft without any strain. How normal her responses were. No one would have had a clue. She wasn't rude any longer to customers, nor impatient with colleagues. She was no longer flustered or worried at work.
But at the same time when a colleague was amused or annoyed her smile or frown was only a simple refection of his, without really experiencing any need to express.
Maybe she ought to be alarmed, but as of then she felt at peace. She preferred this to the strain, the worry, the fretting. This was much better. She didn't know what the consequences would be, but as expected in that state of mind she hardly wondered. Sure images of the last one month came to mind, especially the beginning. But she didn't react. Couldn’t react. She just watched them like a movie. Like a witness, an observer.
No song could reflect her mood, no movie could snap her out of it. The only thing she felt at all was when she sat for dinner among the same three whom she had watched sleep that morning, she felt safe. She knew they were her only sanctity. Even though she didn't tell them in so many words she was sure they knew.
She looked down into the warm brown eyes of her furry companion and patted him. She watched with a smile as he shut his eyes in content. It took so little to make him happy. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
She had been happy too. But now she wanted the peace instead. No more tornadoes, and storms. Just peace. Numbness. Silence. Safety.
She ate her dinner with new gusto. At least now nothing could hurt her. Or so she hoped....
She tried to look for her clothes in the semi darkness. She didn't want to wake them up. She picked up what she was looking for and began tiptoeing out of the room when her eyes fell on them. They were fast asleep. All three of them. She just stood there for a minute and watched them breathe. It gave her so much of relief from a volume of pain to just look at them. Her entire world on that one bed. She smiled slightly to herself and stepped out of the room carefully shutting the door behind her.
So many days she had left at this time, so many times she had tiptoed in and out of that room, it couldn't have been a coincidence that today of all the days she was halted by the image of them fast asleep. The moment was in sync with her state of mind. Calm. Quiet.
You need to accept the present they say. (whoever that 'they' is). But she knew out of pure experience, that it isn’t acceptance that ends the internal struggle, it is either exhaustion or numbness that ends or rather silences a conflict. Either because you simply cannot think any more or because you can't feel any more.
And that was what had happened to her. As of that day when she woke up and stared at the murky morning she realized she didn't feel anything any more. She hadn't killed it. It just died on it's own. It wasn't that she didn't care, even to not care was an emotion, but here she had become numb. Indifferent, tired.
It had happened sooner this time. Maybe by reflex coz her sub-conscious expected the pain. But this time she doubted it would ever awaken again. How many times can you heal the same wound?
She stared into the mirror as she combed her hair and looked into her eyes. They had changed. Visibly so. They looked dead, scary in fact. But she didn't even feel the fear. She just stared into those eyes. “Serves you right” she said to the expressionless face. And she left her room, her home to begin the day. Hoping this new emptiness wouldn't adversely affect her life.
*
She managed to smile without effort when someone smiled at her, even managed to laugh when the situation called for it without feeling the pain that would usually come crashing back. She felt the relief spread over. She could act normally without much effort. And the core reason was because she felt nothing. It amazed her how normal her voice sounded, how soft without any strain. How normal her responses were. No one would have had a clue. She wasn't rude any longer to customers, nor impatient with colleagues. She was no longer flustered or worried at work.
But at the same time when a colleague was amused or annoyed her smile or frown was only a simple refection of his, without really experiencing any need to express.
Maybe she ought to be alarmed, but as of then she felt at peace. She preferred this to the strain, the worry, the fretting. This was much better. She didn't know what the consequences would be, but as expected in that state of mind she hardly wondered. Sure images of the last one month came to mind, especially the beginning. But she didn't react. Couldn’t react. She just watched them like a movie. Like a witness, an observer.
No song could reflect her mood, no movie could snap her out of it. The only thing she felt at all was when she sat for dinner among the same three whom she had watched sleep that morning, she felt safe. She knew they were her only sanctity. Even though she didn't tell them in so many words she was sure they knew.
She looked down into the warm brown eyes of her furry companion and patted him. She watched with a smile as he shut his eyes in content. It took so little to make him happy. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
She had been happy too. But now she wanted the peace instead. No more tornadoes, and storms. Just peace. Numbness. Silence. Safety.
She ate her dinner with new gusto. At least now nothing could hurt her. Or so she hoped....
