not 'just' a reflection

I was on Facebook the other day as usual checking my updates and other's updates when I came across this one, a status update saying- Is that love I see in your eyes or merely a reflection of mine??
No doubt a line stolen or copied from somewhere but the depth of the line baffled me for a while. The line was heart wrenchingly true.
When people read the line they may feel that it's cute or sweet or amazingly sentimental or may have 'liked' it on FB. But no one understood the plain tragedy of the line!!
It brings out the most pertinent truth of man's existence. His wish to believe that what he feels is what is reciprocated, when more often than not it isn't. And when its time to face that harsh reality they break down, crumble and then lose interest in the idea of mutual emotions itself (even if only for a while).
Some may recoup, some may not. Some may even refuse to believe that their feelings are not reciprocated and that's how we end up with psychopaths in our society. But the bottom line is the basic reason why all this happens is because we believe we see in “their” eyes what we actually see in our own, meaning what we actually experience ourselves.
We tend to rationalize and justify every action of the 'other' in our own convenient way.
'He did that coz he loves me' no its actually you who love him and want to believe he loves you too.
'She did that to me coz she hates me after the breakup' no its actually you who hate her or are afraid that she hates you.
Its always a reflection of what we feel, what we perceive. And that is the sad fact of that line. And as a natural human tendency we even start believing and relying on these reflections of ours and are later in for a “bursting of the bubble” scenario.
Some might be lucky though, many might be, I wouldn't know. But the basic fact remains that as hurt as we may get or as horrible as we may be in perceiving, we still continue to do so.

Why? For the simple reason that we are humans, social animals who crave the company, the love, the support of another human being.
As much as we may try and run away from it, as I have seen people do, the bare fact remains that it will find you. Companionship, friendship, relationships and the complicated network of emotions that follow. It's all there in our lives and will continue to be there as long as we exist.
All that you can do is that the next time you believe you see something in anybody's eyes, hope and pray it's not just a refection!!!

The path chosen

She had avoided him for days. She couldn't see the point any more. Or else she didn't want to. She was fine now. And even if she wasn't she had to see him. And so she did.
She promised herself it would be fine. She promised herself she wouldn't care. But when he came and she laid her eyes on him she found it all coming back. In fact her heart had already accelerated just in the mere anticipation.
Damn! She thought. What was she to do? She had contemplated the same for days and hours, thinking and wondering and pondering.

But at that moment it came to her. Why think? Why wonder? She had a crush, maybe more. But why did she have to worry of what might be and not just enjoy what she had now? What good had come of the mindless hours of thinking?
She couldn't predict the future nor did she have any idea of what she would do herself. What she could remember at that moment was what a friend had told her while giving career advice- “Go With The Flow”. And that is exactly what she decided to do.
She suddenly found herself much calmer and much more at peace. No more anxiety and confusion. Her heart beat slowed down. She could look him in the eye, exchange a full smile and enjoy the flutter that she felt within. Enjoy. That was the sole purpose of life wasn't it? To enjoy one's existence. Not merely live with the pondering of crap that has happened or may happen. Just live in the moment.
True one can't apply that to all circumstances in life but where one can one must. Too much time is always wasted in thinking of actions and consequences but what is not understood is that the actions will happen and the consequences will follow irrespective of what may have been thought of or not, expected or not, prepared for or not.
What has to happen will and nothing can change that.
So she sat back, smiled to herself and thought, I am going for a ride let me sit back and enjoy it. Why worry about the destination? It will be faced when it comes. And mind you not all paths are taken for the destination, some are just taken to enjoy the route that it takes...

THE IRONY

sHE sAYZZ...

I watch you there day after day,
Gesturing and behaving in your usual ways,
Talking and laughing as I have known you to,
And as I watch I wonder, do you see me too??

We talk, we laugh, we discuss, we play,
But don't believe we see each other the same way,
For I know what it is that I feel for you,
Something I also know that you just cannot do.

I don't hold it against you, it's a handicap,
We all have our faults and I can accept that.
But I do wish that it could have been,
To finally have found someone who thinks like me.

But the one small difference that exists between,
Has created the vacuum that shall remain empty.
One that I always wanted to be generously filled,
I crave for from someone, for whom c'est impossible.

hE sAYZZ...

I watch you from afar, as you walk away,
Wiping a tear that fell astray,
And I feel the pain get worse and ache,
Never thought I could ever feel this way.

You think I cannot see it in you,
Watching you feel, seeing what it does to you,
You think I simply cannot feel, what can I say?

Never thought I would be able to survive this day!

But as I watch you I know I feel it too,
Not just now but since I poured my heart to you,
Said things I had since long wanted to say,
And watching you understand had paved the way.

Yes we are meant to be, I do believe,
But I keep silent coz I feel you can do better than me,
As there isn't and will not be much that I can offer.
But I do wait for the day that you might come to me,
Saying that despite it all you want to be together.....

Not all need be justified

All of us at some point or the other in our lives, have gone in the defence. It is but natural for us to irrationally and reflexively come to the defence of something or the other. May it be our religion, our state, our country, our ideals, our faith, (and in the case of the Thakeray's) our language, etc.
We react spontaneously without rational thought because that is what we have learnt from this insecure society that we live in. To defend every attack, to prove every point, to make others understand.
The reason we do that is because we have a desperate need to explain ourselves, a fear of being misunderstood and that is why we immediately come to the defence. We react.
I remember being taught the difference between ‘a reaction’ and ‘a response’.
When we react it is usually a defence, a reflex, something that happens instinctively because of what we have learnt and seen in the past.
But a response is when we first comprehend the situation and then logically give an answer or an action. A response is not learnt it is a rational process that is holistic and could be different each time.
A defence to something, right from religion to our ego is a reaction. Because we are attacked we impulsively attack back or justify the attack both of which are defences. It is learnt and ingrained in us all.
In a psychology class I once learnt that there are several defence mechanisms that humans utilise to defend their ego. It is a necessity because if we do not defend our ego it shatters our self-esteem and has the capacity to destroy a human being. Hence a natural self-defence system is created to keep our ego hale and hearty, to keep us sane.
In psychological terms it probably makes sense and in certain conditions this defence may be justified. But the day to day defences that we do for the various things in our lives is not meant to keep anything hale and hearty.
When we go into the defence, rather than feeling content or satisfied one always feels uneasy and vulnerable. When we are attacked in our lives, attacked verbally I mean, by spontaneously defending our pride and lashing out at the opposite person we are not gaining anything except unrest. Even if you win the argument you always end up feeling exposed and dejected. The wounded pride then takes time to heal.
Instead, when we are attacked it is best not to react. Comprehend what the opposite person is saying. Consider the fact that it may be true, try and logically reason and if nothing helps just let it go.
The basic problem is that we don’t. We always continue to hold on. If we learn to let go of the situation, along with it all the unease attached to it shall also leave us. Let us all learn to let go. It’s like someone had explained to me, we always hold on to something and then complain that the thing won’t let us go, whereas all you actually have to do is loosen your grip.

To nice beginnings

She was seated far away from home. Sitting in the corner of a MacDonald outlet staring at the people coming and going around her. She sat in expectation of seeing him, the guy who she saw here, for the first time 8 months ago. And the one she had fallen in love at that 1st sight. As ridiculous as she knew it sounded it was true.
Her excuse to the world was that she travelled that far for 'writer's inspiration'. But her heart knew that wasn't the complete truth. Yes she wanted some peace and quiet to pen her thoughts. But why here of all the places in the city? Because she had the secret hope of seeing him again.
There's nothing wrong with hope. It's what keeps man going. But what is wrong is too much hope. Too much irrational hope that then results in dishearten. Dishearten for something you actually knew was a vague possibility in the first place. Its a funny equation.
Our mind plays on the number of reasons why the hope is not irrational, bringing us to further and further believe that it could be true.
And so she sat there watching people come and go. Knowing somewhere deep down how vague her hope was. He stayed somewhere in a radius of 5 kms from this place. But at that moment he could be anywhere. He could be in a different country, state or city for all she knew. Or he could even be asleep at home.
So she sat there wondering if it was in her fates to see him. Probably not. She didn't really rely on coincidence at such times. More like the work of destiny maybe. So she sat patiently seeing what her so-be-it destiny, awaited.
The odds were small she knew. Of seeing a practical stranger, who didn't even know she was there. And yet she sat hoping that she might. The longings and aspirations of the heart and mind are unfortunately albeit irrational.
She was there that day on pure impulse and what she perceived as a calling from this place. Waiting and writing with no real idea of why she was there.
Finally after a couple of hours of exhaustive expecting she got up to leave. She looked around at the place once, took a deep breath and stepped out.
And lo behold! There he was. Standing with his side to her, looking at his watch as a light breeze ruffled his hair. She stared at him for a moment. Not believing what she saw. Her heart pumped faster and her breath was caught in her throat. Her hand quivered a bit and her feet were shaky as she began to take a step towards him. But then as suddenly as she began she stopped. It was a weird position to stop in but she just froze. What the hell was she to tell him? She couldn't think of anything to say to him. She knew nothing about him.
And then she relaxed and simply laughed out loud at the foolishness of it all. The waiting, the wondering and realized that it was all for nothing but a glance of this gorgeous guy who she actually had nothing to say to.
Her laugh caught his attention and he turned towards her. She stared him right in the eye. Smiled and turned away feeling immensely content for some strange reason.
And just as she walked away she heard a voice behind her say, “ Excuse me do I know you? I feel like I have seen you somewhere before.”
She turned and looked at him, at his smile that was a little sheepish and yet still so appealing.
Looks like some things are destined, she thought as she walked back towards him.

What it takes for him

I haven't seen anything like him. Chubby, over weight, acned face. Wears clothes only for comfort and whines like a baby if asked to shave his puberty stricken, namesake beard. But within that roundish, fair, spotted face lies a pair of such sharp eyes that I have never seen before, especially in someone so young.
At first glance you might probably not even notice him. Who is interested in a fat ass bearded kid? Definitely what people would categorize as a loser. In fact something that he actually considers himself to be. But I beg to differ. Though I do laugh at the jokes he cracks on himself, and partially probably even agree with them, I wouldn't call him a loser.
I haven't seen a guy, or actually I should correct here and say a person, with his kind of thinking. Its different, mature, and contradictory to what one could call normal. And the kind of thinking that I thirst for in people around me. Because it is the kind of thinking I can relate to. Its logical, rational and beyond the realms of limiting societal madness.
He is what one might define as an anti-social but he does have his selective friends. Ones who either contribute to conversations as much as he does or are patient enough to listen to what he can jabber about for hours.
A loner by nature it's surprising how much he can talk when in the company of people who he is comfortable with or when in the mood. And yet the most notable fact is that even after 3 hours of a conversation with him you aren't quite sure if you can figure him out, because he talks of everything and yet nothing at the same time. But mind you by the end of conversation he probably has you figured out, and usually perfectly so. Has maybe even had an obscene thought or two too, about what kind of person you might be. But that is him for you.
If you have the privilege of being close to him, or witness him in his comfort zone, he'll transfer those thoughts into 'nice' jokes that are strategically cracked at you. One that takes a lot of self control not to laugh at because out of his many qualities he has the ability to observe people, make them laugh, crack jokes on them and then teach them to laugh at themselves (or rather force them to!).
But if you know him you will know that none of the jokes are personal. None of them are judgements that he holds against you, but just plain observations that he uses to amuse you and those around you. He simply gets a kick when he can entertain and make people laugh, whatever the cost. Right from childish idiocy to witty cracks.
Like all born entertainers he needs his audience and secretly needs them to love him too.
He is sceptic by nature which drives me up a wall at times but I guess that is what makes him think the way he does. Runs away from anything that is, or could turn, emotional as he doesn't have, or believes he doesn't have the mental capacity to handle emotions. Its in his blood, ingrained in his brain. He is an intellect, one with not a very high graph of emotions.
Coming from a Marwadi family its a wonder that he can think at all, let alone to this calibre, but that would be a racist talking (not that it would bother him, but maybe others) so I'll just say that diamonds do come from the deepest mines and darkest rocks.
I simply cherish the observations that he makes of people and situations around him. His thought process is astoundingly refreshing. Its different and what one can safely define as out-of-the-box. His predictions and understanding of people are surprisingly accurate. I love asking him what he feels of people around us. Makes great conversation.
I often wonder what he thinks of me. Having known and interacted with him for about six years now, when I have a perception of him, I believe he has one of me too.
Wish I could be invisible and listen to what he cracks about me behind my back!!!
But since I cant all that remains is what I think of him, and my observations of his weird ways which are immensely alive in this society of artificial, fake, lifeless zombies simply struggling with one another to survive. Its amazing to watch him live..