The Con Man

He watched her as she stood chatting away. A part of him was involved in the conversation but he knew he was actually watching her every move. It had been a fortnight since he had seen her.
He watched as her face fell but noticed that she recovered fast. Faster than he would have expected and he was surprised and proud at the same time. She had improved in the days that they has spent apart. He watched her eyes closely. They remained cold and untouched even as she laughed. The twinkle that used to stay in her eyes didn't show at all and the smile on her face wiped out the second the moment was over.

She was no longer the bubbly thing he had fallen for. His alienation from her had hardened her. She had said they were important. Could things have changed in just so long? Something had happened. What was it, or worse 'who' was it? He was afraid he knew.

He considered asking but decided against it. His body and facial reactions showed none of what he was thinking. He was a pro after all. She still had much to learn. But in the process of becoming like him he was losing the beautiful thing she was, without the hard exterior. She had said she trusted him, had that changed too?
He could see her face going soft just for a second as she looked at him and he knew she wasn't completely dead yet. He still had a chance. Their eyes locked for a moment so brief no one else noticed but all the unsaid was passed between them. He had missed her more than he could have imagined possible but she knew just as he did that he couldn't display it. It was all a show here and he was playing a character that wasn't him, and now so was she.
He had dragged her right into the centre of the crap that he did, the only person he trusted more than his own self, the woman who had taught him to breath, to relax, to live in a way that was so refreshing he had fallen in love with it. The same woman now stood before him as a replication of himself. One just as hard as stone and cold as ice.
She stood in between people she couldn't stand and laughed like she cared, like she actually gave a damn!
The equation had all changed and he knew now as he watched those once innocent eyes that it would never be the same again. The run was over. Hypocrisy and mistrust was in the air. He wasn't the only one to blame. He hadn't alone played the game, he knew she was aware of that but he had hurt her all the same and she had trusted them.
He was a man who had never cared for others, never cared if people loved or hated him, how did this one woman change all that? Why now as he watched her calculated expression did his heart ache? Why even when she poked at him in a 'friendly' way he felt the pain that she actually meant to incur? Was he guilty? Is this how it felt?
Was he a con man hopelessly in love with the one woman he had never actually managed to con? The one who had seen right through him, the one who had actually trusted the human he was, actually cared for the crap that he was. He felt the guilt, felt lowly and dirty.
The woman had become a robot because she finally learnt he wasn't worth her trust. And that fact pierced at him. Why? It wasn't the love or the care that mattered what had mattered the most was that she had understood. From the moment they shared one conversation she read him like a book. He would never accept but he knew.
He knew there was just one soul in the world who knew him. And there she stood in front of him now so distant even though he could touch her if he extended his hand. He had lost her before he even had her.

He heard his own laugh and it sounded alien. Suddenly everything seemed alien. The trees, the breeze, the chatter, the cars going by, even the face that looked at him now with that cold smile and he suddenly felt what he was pushing away all this while. The thought that scared him so much. He realized what it was. He was alone.

A con man always ended alone, it was elementary. But the small hope he had had from his pathetic existence was now shot dead. Because the woman who now stood in front of him was exactly what he was.

She was saying goodbye and turned to leave symbolic of what he felt. When she looked at him, she let the mask drop, just for a second and that was the last time he saw the woman that he had fallen for. The woman who was now leaving him all alone. The woman who he had lost.

The fire he saw in her eyes matched the one in his heart. He ached as he watched her go.

And that's when he felt it, the final regret. The one that drove him to write the one thing on that piece of paper when he got home and stood alone, “It has all changed”.

He thought of the face with it's mask dropped and then recalled the innocent childlike laugh, his heart soared just for a second as he remembered and then he shot himself.

He could con the world but not himself.

Our dignity is in Our hands

Getting a little political....

I read that an Indian ambassador was (in a local paper's words) 'Subjected to hands on frisking' in the U.S. airport. I would love to have added 'as usual' but alas no one has made the mistake of making me editor have they? (Yet..... :P)
Anyway not really a very novel piece of news but thought provoking you might say..

For those who have no idea about this piece of news, good for you honestly, the news goes that some Indian woman ambassador was pulled out of an airport security line and (again in the paper's words) was "patted down" or subjected to a "hands on" search. The woman was of course offended and the issue is blown out of proportion by some embassy or the other blah blah..

Some are saying she was singled out because she was clad in a saree, others are for some reason fixated on the words "patted down". I honestly do not know any 'legging down' or 'slapping up' technique of checking someone! But as it was done by a female officer why the hue and cry?

The Woman was probably worried about her diplomatic (ironic word usage!) status image (the fact that it was not recognised maybe) but the point is no one knows you are a whatever ambassador so why not suck it up an leave? Why create an issue? All you have succeeded in doing is reaching out to millions through the media and telling them that you are an important person that the US airport security people did not recognise or give a damn about! Now why would someone want to publicize that? When they don't care about Shahrukh Khan (implying a public figure not comparing work wise) why would they think twice about you?

In all the recent similar kind of incidents right from Abdul Kalam to many who aren't famous enough to come in the papers, these mild bends in security to down right atrocities are not a new thing to hear of. But what I would like to bring to light, which we all seem to miss is, forget who and concentrate on why....

For centuries we have been discriminated and looked down upon in spite of our having proved ourselves time and again..
We have been brandished as a third world country, brown skinned, developing, poor. We have been ruled by the white skinned for almost TWO centuries. We haven't even been independent that long and here we are sucking up to them, considering them God, mimicking them, jumping at security preparations when some president is to arrive, running away abroad because we can't stand it here and then we are all hurt and offended when they bloody frisk someone at an airport!
Take a moment please. What else do you really expect? An honorary medal for idolizing them??

I am not defending them at all.. I am saying do not take it personally (though that may be the intention). Your dignity is not in their hands. Reacting immaturely only makes us look stupid.
No one cares. No one is going to tell the security in charge to be careful next time or let the saree clad women go, or do not double check a Khan or Kalam.
But we still foolishly yap away like a small puppy does at an ant that bit him.

If you have the guts, prove to them you do not care. Prove to them their security checks do not define who we are. If you chose (your choice) to go there (anywhere) do not allow their ways to get to you.
We all have our petty egos but by reacting to these things we simply come out looking childish.
Let us take in our stride and move on. We have nothing to hide.. (hopefully). Only if you fear a rebuttal would you care. Are you hiding a detonator under that saree?

Why do we always look up to the west to take decisions? If we weren't so insecure we wouldn't care about a frisking at all. (Need someone else's approval all the time?)
The media definitely should know, people should learn and be aware of these discriminations, but not as a rebellion but as a mere fact.
One that we have the strength to change if we learn to believe in ourselves.
No one defines who or what we are unless we allow them to!
If you have the strength then prove to them that we simply do not care. We are 'above' such petty attempts of degradation..!
We shall walk away chin up because they didn't find anything to point a finger at us did they??

Writing Soothes Me

I started writing when I was about 7 and had anger issues, my mom told me write it all down 'It will calm you'.

So I wrote. It wasn't really calming. But when I re-read what I had written, I felt, 'Hey that sounds good!'. All anger forgotten. That did calm.
So I continued. My diary was born. But later I had urges to write about issues, things other than my own self. My 'secret' diary didn't suffice.

I started writing things I felt, the 'vivid' excuses I used to narrate.

Then I had emotions I needed delivered, but stories weren't good enough. They were too direct. So I wrote poems. And the process continued.

After a point I realized that writing did soothe me. It did calm me. More than a confrontation or a fight, writing calmed me. Even if it were just a letter or a mail to someone who I needed to say something. Good or bad. It always made me feel better when I could communicate through written words.

Something soothing and whole about that. A feeling of complete communication I suppose. Sure somethings you are better off yelling at someone, or saying it out loud (and you should). But I often found myself in situations where I wasn't satisfied with the way things go (usually when angry or frustrated) and so I wrote.

Then I began enjoying writing fiction, short stories, novels and enjoyed the feeling of how the story, situations, characters were created by me.
It gives me immense pleasure to write. But only when I want to write, what I want to write. You cannot sit with a gun at my head and make me write! It just suddenly flows and I need to either - get up in the middle of the night, run out of the bathroom, stop while eating or travelling and pen my thoughts. At least a bit, something I can go about on later.
Sometimes it's frustrating. The biggest urges come when I am studying. Supposed to be learning all that damn GK and here all I can think of is the next plot in my most recent creations!

The brain is really weird, most creative just when you don't need it to be! But now I am quite used to it, even look forward to it. I find myself typing at frantic speed, keeping up with my thoughts, the books lying beside forgotten.

Ahhh yes writing definitely soothes me!!! :D

An Angel

Tired of meaningless words and numbers,
I look out of my window and find her there,
Waiting silently, looking in my direction,
Her soft eyes catch mine, and as always I can't help but stare.

I smile at her, but she pouts in return,
Late as I am in looking towards her.
She turns away, does a show of irritation,
But turns back to make sure I watch with appreciation.

I can't help but laugh at her innocent ways,
How her eyes express without her having to say,
The fact that she craves just for me to wave,
And the chuckle that follows before she goes away.

***

I work now for hours, my smile long faded,
A headache threatening to overtake.
When from the corner of my eye I see a movement,
I turn to find her fluttering with amusement.

As I watch her I find myself feeling better,
Her cute, chubby ways to which I surrender,
And the joy of simply watching her,
I doubt I will be able to express.

I wait for her, day after day,
Her presence itself so peaceful and gay,
I need her now to complete my day,
Without her I knew my emptiness would never fade.

***

I am waiting for hours; there is no sign of her,
She's always there, to where did she disappear?
I cannot imagine her not being near,
My eyes looked all over but she did not appear.

Dejected I returned the next day,
With hope that I would see her today,
Maybe she was ill? Does she need help?
I was wondering, when I spotted her in the distance.

She wasn't alone, accompanied by another of her kind,
Together they perched, rustling slightly in the wind.
She fluttered happily when she saw me looking,
And I watched with surprise at what was happening,

She had found a mate and was flapping her wings,
Telling me she was happy, her eyes glowing,
I smiled in return, not sure why I was sad,
She was happy with someone, shouldn't I feel glad?

I watched them as they worked with each other,
With a lot hard work, made a home together,
A nice, cozy nest where she would lay her eggs,
I showed all the happiness I could muster.

She sat on her eggs and barely moved at all,
I waited and hoped but never saw.
Protective and warm, she was going to be a mother,
Did she remember me? I couldn't help but wonder.

And that is when I realized, why I was so sad,
Right from the day I saw her with someone else,
I knew, I sensed, it would never be the same,
Those cute eyes, innocent chuckle, all taken away,
My sad heart craved, as I was so sure then,
That this beauty who I thought was My Angel was not mine in the end.

Mind over Body

I was having a conversation the other day, on our terrace, with Scrawny and Fatass. We were deep in discussion about how aggressive the rickshaw guys were getting these days, not to mention snooty and irritating. Many people get into arguments with them, probably even physical fights. The topic then moved to discussing how physically aggressive each of us has ever been. At that point Scrawny says “…the day I resort to physical aggression I will consider it an insult to my mind...” I think that was a remarkable line that he happened to construct.

Most of us resort to physical display of anger simply out of pure frustration that mentally we are unable to do anything about. It goes for all of us. Only thing that differs is the degree to which each of us can handle mental helplessness, or how 'in'capable each of our minds are. Some people can coolly deal with some situations while others can’t. That then brought me to wonder that even though most of us resort to physical aggression does that mean we are mentally incapable?! (The very idea scared me. I simply cannot believe that my mind is incapable of something!) And yet like any other individual I resort to throwing things once in a while.

Then I realized that, the time when I felt like resorting to any physical display of aggression the most dominant emotion was anger or frustration. And at that point my mind probably does become incapable. The dominance of any negative emotion (or even positive for that matter, the amount people jump about or over react when excited!) creates a sort of temporary defunct of the mind.

I hate to be vulnerable or mentally weakened, when it can be taken advantage of. I like to know that I am in control of situations even if their creation was not my doing. I am sure all of us do. So the sudden realization (actually it’s something my mom has been ranting for years!) hit me. I realized that by resorting to physical reaction you actually reduce yourself to a very primitive level that probably barbarians or tribals or our very old ancestors resorted to. Is it really something I would like to do? The answer almost screamed at me – Of course not!

I do want to be physically able though, so that when someone attacks, I can kickass! (Cheers my martial arts!) That is kind of a must for every woman who is interested to build an independent life for herself. Every woman needs to know how to defend herself so that she can confidently walk wherever she wants whenever she needs to (doesn’t mean at 2am, but you get my point).

But other than knowing how to defend yourself, physical aggression needs to be limited. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. The very first thing I learnt when I was being trained how to fight was – “The art of knowing how to fight is to know when to avoid one”. Not because you are a coward but because if it cannot be fought by the brain it is not worth fighting at all. Then again for women and girls who face perverts that will grab and squeeze, or rub themselves against you, stare like you were X-rayed, for God-knows what sick pleasure, its kick-ass-face-crotch. Disfigure and disable will be my dying statement.

Ahhh got a little aggravated there myself, can’t help it, the little feminist that fights all these audacities everyday needed a word! But physical aggression is just as my friend Scrawny put it – An insult to the mind. The mind; its intelligence, common sense, presence of mind and spontaneity are what need to be worked on. Instead of jumping to anger or fear when agitated, think straight. Think calm. (I know it sounds damn difficult. Have been working on it since forever!) But when I was suddenly enlightened at the idea that it points to my intelligence it shook me. Becoming mentally inferior is simply unacceptable for me! :) Might be an ego or whatever but anything that points me in the direction to being stable, to use wit and common sense rather than punching somebody’s face (though immensely satisfying at first) only degrades my very existence.

So as of my revelation I have sworn to keep physically calm and serene. As another friend described himself, “I am a mind warrior”. Mind power over physical power. I will – What the hell is the matter with my net connection? Shit! It’s not responding! I just spent so much time typing! Bloody feel like throwi—Ooopss... Ah well, try try until you succeed!:)

The child in Me

All your life, as you are growing up you often hear these repeated lines from parents, elders, damn friends too.. "Stop being immature!" , "You are 20 stop behaving like a kid!".. Both the words immature and childish are for some reason used in the same breath or in the same context. I never really cared until I learnt, in my later years in school, that 'maturity' was something very important and that it was something crucial to define your mental age. Well, now I couldn't have someone assume I'm immature could I? But at the same time I didn't really feel like giving up my childish endeavors.. Really in a pickle don't you think? I assumed being mature was acting all grown up all the time.. Now that is just too boring a feat, even today I can't stand that!
So I chose to continue being the way I was and if someone dared to call me immature I would prove to them otherwise.
Maybe I took it too close to heart coz no one really ever challenged my maturity.  People only called me childlike and many were amused at my childish pranks and would laugh with me as I found great joy in things like jumping in puddles, eating an ice-cream, ogling at a plane passing over head, blowing bubbles, etc.
Over the years I found that things that I knew about myself but couldn't really define were very beautifully defined by the people around me who were close to me. I remember in FYJC I had a friend who was definitely what one can define as 'mature'. She once simply out-of-the blue said to another friend in front of me "Mon is so cute, she gets excited at the smallest things! Doesn't take much to keep her happy". I didn't really understand why that line made me so happy then, but I did feel elated. I recall the smile I exchanged with her and have not forgotten the line since.
I keep realizing how true the line is even today. And according to many this is the child like nature in me. So does that make me immature? Many might consider it to be so. 
When I entered my degree college I began getting very enthusiastic about a career in journalism, and decided to read as much as I could and analyze everything around me, so I found myself pondering many things within myself too. In a class full of insecure people who learn to stand up by pulling you down, you get a lot of fingers pointing right at your face. Some maybe poke you in the eye too!! When your feet aren't secure on the ground you might find yourself slipping quite a bit. I found myself landing right on my butt quite a few times! But I suppose the process it takes to pull yourself together taught me a lot about people around me and more importantly got me to look deeper within myself. At my weaknesses and my strengths. That was when I learnt what the difference in being immature and being childlike was. Able to be mature and childlike as when I wished was my strength but not being aware of that was my weakness.
Most of the time my weakness has been that I am usually not aware. Maybe because I prefer living in a nice little cocoon filled with only the little things and people that make me happy, but when you go out to face the world that simply isn't enough.
So I put on my thinking cap, in fact barely ever took it off, and started my everlasting process of understanding myself and the world. May be I took it a tad too far (always go to extremes), but anyway I got a pretty good hold of myself and began to cement my feet securely on the ground. I started looking deeper into what people said. And at times found really golden sentences which, again, I haven't forgotten.
Like once this woman who runs a parlor, and acts as a mother to all her girls that work there, gave them this random but very practical advice - "If your feet are securely firm on the ground, irrespective of whether people praise or demean you, you have nothing to worry about. If they give you foolish criticism just smile at them coz you know you are better. Plus the smile will drive them crazy! And at the same time when you are praised simply smile graciously do not let it get to your head."
Very beautifully put. Sure I simply couldn't just smile in either scenario (still can't!) but what she said made a lot of sense, and sometimes I do resort to it or at least try to. And it is amazing how much peace it gives you just because YOU are sure.
So people today can go 'immature' or 'childish' or 'child like' or whatever, it doesn't bother me much because I am pretty sure what it is that I am.
People have an unfortunate need to define everything and categorize things for their own convenience, I do it too. Pretty much the start of being opinionated and judgmental. Can't really blame anyone. So the pointing fingers will continue, there's no real need to bite their fingers off or start lamenting, we all do it. Just pray others don't bite at you for judging them and all will remain well! ;)

You are you irrespective of whether even you understand it, forget others. Just enjoy being yourself. The day you are uncomfortable with being who you really are, change for the better. Like I really dunno why I jump at the idea of chocolate ice-cream, become breathless when I see my crush ;), why my heart melts when I sense someone simply feels sorry even if they don't actually say it, love watching Ernie and Bert or - Ooo a plane just went by! Wow...!

Ye Tumhe Kaun Bataega...

Jab tum kehte ho ki tumhe humari yaad aayi,

To hum sochte hai ki tum bhi hume yaad aate ho,

Par ye tumhe kaun bataega...

Din me haste haste tumhari muskaan yaad aati hai,

Ye tumhe kaun bataega...

Bheed me bhi aksar tumhe doondte hai,

Ye tumhe kaun bataega...

Tanha dekh log hume akela samajte hai,
Par tumhari yaad hamesha saath hoti hai,
Ye tumhe kaun bataega...

Tum saamne ho to chehre par muskaan hoti hai,
Par dil usse zyada khil jata hai,
Ye tumhe kaun bataega...

Banane wale ne bhi ajab banaya hai hume,
Zuban to bana diya, par farmana nahi sikhaya,
Bin bataye tum samaj gaye to kya baat hai,
Varna ye tumhe kaun bataega....

[P.S- Please don't mind any Hindi gender errors! In fact you may correct it...]

Men you are most welcome to try…

I never really understood the male psychology. I mean sure I knew basics like looking at a big busted chick would arouse them, or you criticize them and their egos would take a hike but otherwise I have squat.

The ego is of course comprehendible as even women have egos so male egos are pretty easy to understand - all praise, no truth and definitely no criticism. And even though the common myth goes that it is women who can’t stand to hear that they are fat, believe me it is the men who are far worse, because forget fat, they cannot hear that they are imperfect at anything! Sure there are the funny kinds who crack jokes on themselves and might add the occasional sarcastic comment, in passing, on their obesity or their stupidity in some situation, but just for a moment if the same joke were to be cracked by a women or for that matter even another guy on them Bam, it hits the soft spot.

Anyway aside the inevitable ego that for some reason you can’t miss I find men extremely difficult to understand. Not because they are complicated, no, that would actually be a credit. They are not complicated; I don’t understand them simply because they are too primitive. So lost in inferiority that in a society where a few simple social standards are expected they somehow, quite conveniently, fail to oblige.

I am not for once praising women, no. I am not that mad at men to become a feminist, not yet anyway. I understood women pretty early in my life and that is why lost most hope from them a long time ago. Sure they have great capability but when too engrossed in the right make up, hair do, clothes and lingerie that will uplift their breasts, just to entice men, I think they lost it. We usually hear of the very common phrases of how women go stupid when it comes to men, can’t see the truth or simply acting against her self-respect. Just not in her ‘right mind’. Well how can you be in your right mind when you fall for something inferior, you have to become stupid right? So that is the explanation I have, not to mention the unnecessary emotional upheaval for everything. So well yeah women have no hope either, it’s just that with women, I at least very well understand why. With men, well haven’t reached the bottom line, yet.

When I was in school and college I found it definitely better to be in the company of guys because then it was the simplicity that appealed to me. All that was important to them (applies even today) was food, money and sex and for some slightly superior men (rare species) intelligence too.So I was doing pretty well. Wondered why people said men were difficult to understand.

But then with a couple of years more experience I found one core thing innately absent in men, which any women you catch, even the bitchiest or the sluttiest, will still have and that is Courage.

Now when I say courage please let not the male chauvinist assume some battle with swords and shields or even for that matter a fist fight with a cab driver, though many lack even the courage to do that. But when I say courage I mean something far deeper and important. Courage from within, on the inside.

Those who are staring at the screen with a blank look or dismissing it as something beneath you, it is actually something above you. A concept lost on you yet let me take the pains and explain with examples. Simple courage to admit that you have an obligation, to be honest to anyone’s face about what you really think, admit you actually feel nice when you talk to someone, to acknowledge the existence of someone or something, to admit to kin of a relation, however trivial, with anyone.

Something I have observed is that the male species is one that lives in denial most of the time. It could be of anything. Anything that could bring the slightest change in their very basic lives that is predominantly revolving around them. Anything that makes them feel even slightly different from how they have existed in all these years. There is some weird connection between men and routine. Something about men and consistency, not necessarily in very obvious ways, could also be in very subtle ways.

Men live in the philosophy that ignorance, or running away in more specific words, is bliss. Can’t deal with it, ignore it. Becoming too much, avoid it. Cut it off. Many women are nodding now I am sure. But I don’t just mean that romantically, though the same logic does apply there too. I mean it in the more basic, general sense. While men can live in harmony knowing that there are problems around them, women (in the other extreme) go nuts if they are aware that even the slightest thing is not in peace with them. Okay I am not really here to do the men vs. women thing because while that has been exhausted and has no worthwhile end I am still at a fix when it comes to men.

I know I started saying that I do not understand the male psychology where I have still managed to write about a 1000 words on the same, but had I said I understood them the men reading would have been skeptical right from the beginning, though guaranteed they are getting there by now… But I stick to what I said, I really do not understand them. Why they lack courage or rather why they are such cowards for such measly issues that are actually irrelevant, until responded in such ways, is beyond me.

Speaking purely for myself, because I cannot say that I categorically belong to the women species (characteristically), it doesn’t really take that much to keep someone happy. If you reach the grass root level of happiness or expectations the rest simply takes care of itself. Sadly, something that neither species has understood, thus unable to keep each other happy. That then brings me to another question; if so different from each other, why then is it said that they are destined to be together? Is it just an example being followed from Adam and Eve? Or is there some other deeper reason for making each species so incomplete in itself, which is supposed to become complete when together?

Nope that doesn’t seem right either because if you need to be constantly dependant on something else to complete you, you simply become crippled all your life. Better off to remain independently incomplete. Right? But wait that still doesn’t answer my questions about men and the functioning of their derogatory brains? Oh well there wasn’t any real answer anyway, but men you are welcome to try.

The Ride Home

So I am standing at the station waiting for a train to come by. There's still a couple of minutes left so I look around to find something interesting to watch. Couldn't find my usual time pass of doggies at the station so I satisfied myself with this couple standing really close to each other and in the midst of what appeared to be a spat. Wouldn't have caught my attention had they been happily standing!
I observe them for a while, they are going about saying something to each other in undertones, probably for some privacy, but what they didn't realize was that their expressions were sort of giving them away.
The guy was accusing and the girl was trying to give some kind of explanation. Then the guy says something rude and the girl gets pissed off, turns away and looks determinedly in the opposite direction. I was waiting for some tears or something but sadly nothing.
I got bored of them so I looked around for something else that would entertain me, and precisely at that moment my i pod, in it's shuffle mode, chose to play one of my favourite songs. So i enjoyed the breeze on my face, mind full of fantasies, lost in the song for the next couple of minutes..
When I came back to earth after the song ended, I looked at my watch. Damn! the train was late. Now in need for some distraction from my impatience and out of pure curiosity I looked around for the couple. I found them now standing behind me, ridiculously closer than before, with the girl giggling away and the guy looking at her very fondly.
Did I miss something? Wasn't this couple in the midst of some fight? It had barely been 3 minutes and they were behaving as if nothing had happened, not to mention, as if no one was around, considering how close they were getting!
Jeez!! I remember my fights years ago, ironically on the same station, and the entire immaturity to it. But if there was one thing I had learnt, it was that if the fights are resolved too quickly, they either aren't really resolved, or it wasn't a concrete issue and was simply a meaningless conflict. Neither being good.
If it wasn't really resolved it was simply because you don't feel like fighting in the little time you get together and prefer to shut it out for the moment, but then it eventually creeps right back and probably into something much bigger.
And if it was a meaningless fight then why did you have it? Because it wasn't actually meaningless, one of you compromised or else you both decided it was just not important enough to keep dragging.
The latter is a good thing but the former isn't. Compromising isn't always the right way to go. You never know when you will hold that very decision that you made suddenly against your partner as something you did 'for' him\her. Then why did you do it in the first place?
The entire cycle of this very relationship crap (sorry but it does come to that eventually!) is it is very repetitive if you watch closely. The pattern of behavior, reactions, spats, the same thing over and over, until you either get used to it or get fed up of it.
Then again the other side of the same coin does exist - the 'feelings'. The damn thing that eventually makes the whole cycle bearable or unbearable to leave, both NOT being the same thing. Okay I think Im getting too relationshippy!
As I continued to watch the couple smitten over each other, 'coochy-cooing', I surprised myself with a smile. Someone who had become a skeptic over night, well not exactly over night, but yeah a skeptic today was smiling at a couple of young love birds. Not because they looked so 'in-love' but more because we all go through it.
Whatever you are today or will become tomorrow, is not the point, the bottom line is we all experience it, and as we watch others going through it we kind of become skeptical. But just like we learnt , they too shall. Not necessarily the same lessons, but they will. Why spoil the fun they are having now? Didn't we all enjoy it when we did?So why judge them today?

I watched as my train arrived and halted at the platform. I climbed onto it. My ride home had arrived. At the end of a long day the lesson is quite simple. As long as it gives you a smile keep watching, experiencing, or doing but once the smile is wiped out catch the train that will take you home. Leave the 'couple' at the station where it belongs. Don't carry it with you. The journey is longer than any other station, relation or person that may come and go. What will stick is the experience and the wisdom we hopefully gained!

Ok now on that note I am bored again! Let's see what's interesting around my compartment?? Ahhh a really cute guy! Till we meet again.. Au revoir..

How it bottled down to Fear

She was seated at her desk with her ear phones plugged in, listening to her favorite song. She heard some vague noise in the background but she managed to ignore it. Soon the commotion began to increase and she found her neighboring colleagues getting up from their cubicles and looking in the same direction. Sighing she got up too, expecting to see something like a trivial fight. Instead the sight that she witnessed was that one of their co-workers was catching the collar of another and both were struggling, possibly to hit each other.

The commotion was more because everyone else around them were yelling at them to stop, from a very safe distance, obviously no one wanted to get hurt in the process. Great, she thought, what amazing office entertainment! She was about to return to her desk, when one of the guys removed a pen knife from inside his shoe’s sock. The guy supposedly had a history of the typical ‘gundagardi’ but no one at work had ever seen this side of him. The guy opened his pen knife and took it close to the other guy’s throat.

The noise now got ten times worse. Girls started squealing at the top of their voices, men continued screaming but this time with more panic in their voices. The guy who was being ‘bullied’ had pure terror in his eyes and was struggling now to get away rather than fight back. She watched this in silence and then leaned against the wall. A slow smile crept onto her lips as she saw the ‘duel’. Now this was entertainment, she thought.  

She saw the mad anger in the knife-guy’s eyes and she wondered why it was there. These two had always squabbled before and had even been warned by their boss once to lay off but, wait, she thought, where was their boss? His room was empty. Hadn’t anyone thought of calling him? He could probably stop it. She was about to suggest it when someone else yelled “Stop it! The boss is on his way!”

But for that kind of mad rage even probably calling the God himself wouldn’t have helped. It was almost as if they couldn’t see or hear anyone around them! Even though all around her were scared for the collar-held guy all she could think of was, what had ticked Knife-guy off so bad? And so, in what she assumed was a small voice she asked to the room at large “Arre but what the hell happened?”

At that moment Knife-guy turned his red, blood shot eyes on her, and she felt a pure thrill of fear! Shit, how had he heard her? “You wanna know what happened?” She barely managed a nod before Knife-guy began shaking Collar-held and said “Why don’t you ask him?”

The whole room went silent now. Everyone wanted to know the reason behind the whole drama. Collar-held, who was already frantic was being asked to talk! He was so shaken that his words were barely audible or comprehendible. “I… wife… sorry… didn’t mean… sorry… joking… really!”

The stress on the last word was so obviously out of panic and fear that she actually wanted to laugh.

“Say it properly you jerk!” threatened Knife-guy when their boss came storming in. His stern face glaring at Knife-guy. “Let go of him and put that knife away before I rusticate you for office violence!”

Knife-guy gave one last threatening look to Collar-held and then let him go, put his knife back in his socks and stormed out but not before saying to the boss, “Ask him what he said.”

Boss looked at Collar-held, who was now massaging his neck. “In my cabin!” The relieved guy now followed Boss inside the cabin and the door closed.

Dammit, she thought now they wouldn’t know the reason! Well they would, eventually. Office gossip spread fast, but at the spur of the moment it was more interesting. She sighed and returned to her desk. Everyone around her began chattering at once, making up their own stories, or rather making ONE story out of the bits they all knew, one girl even began crying!! Sheesh... But all she could remember was the rage in one pair of eyes and terror in the other, and more importantly the fear she experienced when Knife-guy had looked at her with those eyes.

And then she realized, at the end of the day, how much ever people preached non-violence or brain over brawn, it was the stronger, armed man who was feared. The threatened was simply left with pity. Whatever may have been the reason for Knife-guy’s anger, either legitimate or not, it was he who would be listened to, and probably even respected, though the root was purely fear.

The only thing this entire incident had achieved was that now all would be careful aroung Knife-guy because, even if they denied it, they all now feared the man who had threated with a knife...

Independence day???

So another 15th August has come and gone. For all those whom it wasn't just a day to sleep late or enjoy a day off from work, what was it?

Are you celebrating the 'day'? What exactly are you celebrating?

Independence? Freedom? Freedom from what?

Yes India got its independence from the British about 63 years ago. That was a day to rejoice, but what are you rejoicing about today?

We have simply gone from the British rule to the rule of our very 'promising' upholders of the constitution and their governments. Not to mention the dramatic opposition party(s), who nonetheless oppose everything as, isn't that what they are sitting there for? Surely not the welfare of the citizens and the future of the country??

Slamming someone for simply voicing an opinion and yet sit around like zombies when insane people bomb, shoot and create massacre here. Talking about quick decisions and yet taking 15 years to solve a case and pass a judgment.

So coming back to my point, what are you celebrating exactly? Do you still believe you are independent? Of course you do.

You can argue on a very practical ground that 'what the government does, doesn't really affect me personally so I am still Independent', fair enough. I'll give that much to you.

I respect your sentiments of jumping up and down with the 'Tiranga' in your hand screaming "Happy Independence Day" I really do. Just don't talk about personal freedom when you are actually most captivated today than ever before.

Not making sense?

So you are celebrating freedom are you? Freedom from the British who you haven't even probably been around to see but yes freedom it is. If you are so completely free today then why do you think twice before you walk with your girlfriend close to your home, holding hands, or buy a condom from your local chemist?? Scared someone might see you and demean you?

Still worried about what the damn society will say, when you take any decision, even before you consider your own happiness?

Hold bias' against a certain community or stereotype a section of people, that makes you walk with pure fear or hatred in their areas, or when they are near? But you definitely are free. Yes you are.

Suffer from insecurities, low-self esteem, can't perform well because you fear you aren't good enough, or someone will be better? Can’t stand up for yourself?

The very common peer\ parental\ spouse\ office\ colleague pressure. Scared of their rebuke, so start to think and act like them, forgetting who you really are?

Fear for your health, of course. Now that's a good thing! But walk around with a mask or with bottles of sanitizer and yet in the peak of monsoon you just can't stop from eating at that tasty roadside joint, and then wonder why the hell you fell ill!

Yes such independent people. Simply can't rid selves of habits. What about addictions, like booze, hookah or smoking? Come how many ever new years and their resolutions you justify to yourself saying, it's not that bad or it's actually quite cool??

Ironic isn't it how we at such a simple, personal level itself aren't free or independent of our various thoughts, habits and the people in our lives, and yet we run at the first chance to display so-called patriotism on such Independence days?

A country or a nation as a whole isn't really independent in the true sense until each of its citizens are free from the thousands of problems that hold us back like, hypocrisy, ignorance, indifference, etc. Problems within us, which when thrown out will make all the difference in the world. That day you won't find the need to sing a 'Vande Mataram', jump with a flag or message your entire contact list saying "Happy Independence day" because that day you will truly be aware of the fact, you will be living the fact. There's no need then to say it out loud or prove it to the whole world… Because then everyday is your Independence Day!